The Past Life of K

Past Life of K.louis-blythe-218678-unsplash

 

I was with you

And I was so afraid of the silence

And the mistakes we made

But I followed you into safety

Or what I thought was safe

 

And we went up a mountain

To a place in the sky

Where a soldier was drilling

And I saw into his face

And I thought to myself

I would never want to be

This poor boy on his way in

 

And down a corridor

I walked through a door

And I realized I was a boy

SuddenlyI was a boy

So I began practicing

Fighting, drilling

 

And I looked at myself

And felt thunder and lightning

But it wasn’t a sign from god

Only the distant fire I heard

And I looked at myself

But could not form a word

I saw only a boy’s face

Only full of hate

 

And I floated above what had becomeme

And I realized I had to unite with me

In the body of a boy

 

And I felt my arms

My hands, my legs

But could no longer feel myself

And I felt the battle

Beginning to move in me

And I felt myself growing

As strong as a boy

As strong as a man

 

And I knew things I’d never known before

And something inside me said

To enjoy the fight

This is all right

And if I am a boy

Then it must be god’s will

That I learn for god’s sake

 

But the first boy I killedwas all by mistake

We were all so afraidthen

He got in my way

And I saw that his face was nothing like mine

At the time

Only his face was just like mine

 

So I shot

And saw him fly back like a bird

And I was so glad that it was not me

That it was him instead of me

And I wanted to run

Like a woman

Like a girl

I wanted to run

But I didn’t want to be weak

 

And a part of me floated up

And a part of me looked down

At a boy who kills and can feel ill

And so I felt so ill

I wandered somewhere

Where there was a girl like me

Soft and prettylike me

 

But a whoresmiled at me

And closed the door

 

And I finally felt safe

And there in her arms I thought

I never want to be a boy again

And she kissed me

And I saidamen

Thank you, god

 

And as suddenlyas I felt her kiss

I pushed her away

And she asked me what was wrong

 

And I looked at my hands

And I looked at my legs

And I touched my skin

And I knew that I was still in

The body of a boy

The body of a man

Who had just killed a boy

And was about to kiss a girl

And was about to make for her

A world without fear

 

I pushed the fear out of me

And into her

I pushed myself into her

And I felt myself strong

And it felt good for the first time

To be a man

It felt good and I could finally understand

Why it’s so good

To be someone who is the stronger one

The physically stronger one

 

And a part of me split

And I felt myself break open

Into the body of a girl

And I felt him move into me

Becoming me

And I gave myselfover

To all of his pain

 

And I knew I would be

What would finally remain

What was brokenand heartless

What was simple and pure

And I knew right then

I would choose

 

I would choose

To be a girl

 

And I was a baby

In my mother’s arms

And she kissed me and loved me

And kept me from harm

And my father had eyesso green

Like the grass

And I loved him

 

And I forgave him

 

I forgive you

For being weak

And for being strong

And I forgive you

For being beautiful

And I forgive you

For being a boy

 

And I forgive myself

For being broken

And ashamed

 

By Julie Flanders

Photo by Louis Blythe
#octoberprojectmusic.com

#julieflanderspoetry.com

#aprilispoetrymonth

 

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About octoberprojectmusic

Julie Flanders Marina Belica Emil Adler
This entry was posted in October Project, Poetry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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